ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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