i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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