Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
