btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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