Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
