every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
