sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
