How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
