You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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