the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
