I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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