We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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