So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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