I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
