i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
