Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
