Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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