Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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