3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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