I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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