she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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