I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
