sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
