That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
