She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
