You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
