tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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