please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
