I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
