Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
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