When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
