Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
