Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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