i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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