i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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