If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
