i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
