You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You are the jesus of drinking
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
