I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
no you cant smoke seaweed
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
