There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
