he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
