she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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