I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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