She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
