I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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