Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
