Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
