I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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