Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
