6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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