So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
