Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
it was like eating out sand paper
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
