Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
