i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
