I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
