hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
