Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
